so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
