Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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