Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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