In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
My balls are so social today.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
