Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize