You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
