Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
