Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
