So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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