Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
