Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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