oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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