Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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