I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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