Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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