First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
