I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
