Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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