I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
