My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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