She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
