I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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