i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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