Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
