Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
