I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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