ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
i wish my penis had a tongue
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
