How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
