Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
