quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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