HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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