You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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