I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize