OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My feet surprised me
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
