apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
