What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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