Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
