I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
