Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
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