My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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