im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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