A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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