He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
