Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
