I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
