you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
