The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
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