It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
So many bounce houses so little time
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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