My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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