I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
