His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
