BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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