ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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