Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize