Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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