Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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