dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
