you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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