You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
