you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
