I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
