i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
