I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
