I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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