Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
