im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
