6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
