Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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