Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
