on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
