glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
