Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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