My liver just broke up with me...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
